17 Oct
2026
Many adults carry an unfinished relationship with a parent. Maybe there was distance, harsh words or real harm. Maybe you simply never felt understood. As you get older, you may find yourself wondering whether the relationship can be healed, what that would even look like, and how to protect yourself while you try. There is no single right answer, but there are healthy ways to approach it.
Healing does not always mean becoming close. For some people it means a warm, rebuilt relationship. For others it means polite, limited contact. For some it means making peace inside themselves while keeping their distance. All of these can be healthy.
Start by asking yourself what you actually want, and what you can realistically expect. You can only control your half of the relationship. Your parent may not be willing or able to change.
It can help to write your answers down. What would a good visit look like? What would make you leave? What do you still hope to hear from them, and what will you do if you never hear it? Clear answers make it easier to act on purpose instead of falling back into old patterns.
Jonathan Anthony Burkett’s memoir, Neglected But Undefeated (2012), tells the story of a boy who was abused and neglected by his mother. Near the end of the book, he answers honestly when asked about their relationship as an adult. He writes that he does not believe they will ever have a typical mother-and-son relationship: “It’s like no matter how hard I try to develop a relationship with her, she doesn’t want to take it that far.” They have never talked about the past. His younger brothers are the main reason he visits.
That kind of honesty is a form of self-protection. When you stop expecting a parent to become someone they have never been, you are less likely to be hurt each time they fall short. You can stay open to change while not depending on it.
Forgiveness is often misunderstood. It does not mean saying what happened was okay, and it does not require you to trust someone again. It means deciding that the hurt will not run the rest of your life.
Jonathan made that choice two days after his brain surgery in 2006, on his nineteenth birthday. He writes: “I figured that I would have to find a way to forgive my mother and look past all of what she had put me through in life, because I looked at it as something that would hold me back from striving in life.” In the opening pages of his book, he speaks to her directly with surprising grace: “I wish someone could have been there for you and I am sorry for everything.”
His forgiveness did not erase the past or turn their relationship into something it was not. It freed him to focus on his own future.
Boundaries let you stay in contact on terms you can live with. Some examples:
Sometimes a parent continues to be abusive, manipulative or dangerous. In those cases, keeping your distance, or ending contact, can be the healthiest decision you make. Choosing safety is not a failure of love. You can forgive someone and still decide not to be around them.
If there are younger children still living in a harmful home, their safety comes first. If a child is in immediate danger, call 911. In the U.S., the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is 1-800-422-4453. If old pain becomes overwhelming and you are thinking about suicide, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, U.S.).
This article is general information, not professional or legal advice. A licensed counselor can help you decide what is right for your situation.
Whatever shape your relationship takes, your healing does not depend on your parent’s choices. You can grieve what you did not get, build the love you need with others, and give the next generation something better. As Jonathan writes in one of his quotes: “Instead of treating your child like how you were treated. Treat them with the same love and attention you wanted from your parents while growing up.” To read Jonathan’s full story of survival and forgiveness, visit the Books page.
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