17 Oct
2026
Not everyone who is struggling looks like it. Some people keep smiling, keep showing up and keep saying they're fine. If you've ever had a feeling that a friend isn't really okay, that feeling is worth listening to. Here's how to notice the quiet signs and open the door gently.
When Jonathan Anthony Burkett was a teenager, he went through one of the hardest stretches of his life. Doctors had warned him that the stress he was under could kill him if it continued. One day he ended up at a friend's house, sitting in the entertainment room and staring at a big-screen TV that wasn't even turned on.
His friend's mother came home and saw him. She asked if he was all right and if he was hungry. As he wrote in his memoir Neglected But Undefeated, he answered, “No, I’m all right.”
She didn't accept that. His tone and the look on his face told her otherwise. So she sat down next to him and asked him to talk. “I didn’t want to talk to anyone right then and there, but I had no choice according to her.” They talked for a long while about everything that was going on.
She noticed what most people would have missed: a quiet young man staring at a blank screen. Then she did the harder thing. She stayed.
That moment matters because his answer was the kind most of us accept without thinking. Someone says they're fine, we nod and move on. She trusted what she saw over what she heard, and that gave him room to say what was really happening.
Everyone has off days, so one sign alone doesn't mean a crisis. Look for changes, and for several signs showing up together:
You don't need a script, and you don't need to fix anything. You just need to make it safe for them to be honest. Pick a private, unhurried moment. Sit beside them rather than across from them if you can. Then try something simple, like telling them you've noticed they seem quieter lately and you wanted to check on them. Or ask how they're really doing, and make it clear you have time.
If they say they're fine, you can gently leave the door open. Let them know you're around, and that you'll ask again. Sometimes people say no the first time to see if you'll come back.
When they do talk, listen more than you speak. Don't rush to advice, and don't compare their pain to anyone else's. Thank them for telling you.
Afterward, help with one practical next step if they want it. That might be finding a counselor, going with them to an appointment, or simply planning to talk again in a couple of days. Small follow-through shows them the conversation wasn't a one-time thing.
It's okay to ask directly whether they're thinking about suicide. Asking doesn't put the idea in their head. It shows them they can talk about it with you. If they say yes, stay with them, take it seriously and help them connect with support right away.
If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, U.S.).
You can call or text 988 together, or call on their behalf. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.
One conversation rarely solves everything. What helps most is staying in their life. Text later that week. Invite them to something low-pressure. Notice again.
Jonathan wrote that so many people knowing what he was going through probably kept him alive. He also warned in his memoir that some people hide their problems “by holding them all in,” and that loneliness makes those feelings worse. A friend who notices, asks and keeps coming back can break that cycle.
You don't have to be a counselor to make a difference. You just have to be the person who doesn't accept a quick I'm all right when everything about the moment says otherwise.
Think of one friend who has seemed quieter lately. Send them a message today, and mean it.
To read more about the people who noticed Jonathan when he was struggling, find Neglected But Undefeated on his Books page.
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