17 Oct
2026
If you are shy, making friends can feel like a test you never studied for. Walking up to someone new, keeping a conversation going, or asking to hang out can take more courage than people realize. The good news is that you do not have to become loud or outgoing to build real friendships. You just need a few small, steady steps.
Being shy is not a flaw that needs fixing. Many shy people are thoughtful listeners, loyal friends and good at noticing how others feel. Those are exactly the qualities people want in a friend.
Shyness can also have a story behind it. Some people are quiet by nature. Others become quiet after a loss or a hard season. Jonathan Anthony Burkett was a loud, energetic kid in Jamaica. After his grandfather died, he writes in his memoir, Neglected But Undefeated (2012), that he changed into “a quiet, sad-looking young boy.” Later, at thirteen, he stopped talking to his friends altogether for a while. If your shyness grew out of pain, be gentle with yourself. You are not starting from zero. You are starting from where you are.
It also helps to remember that many people around you feel nervous too. The person standing quietly in the corner is often hoping someone will talk to them first. When you reach out, you may be doing them a favor.
Large parties and crowded rooms are hard for most shy people. Instead, look for settings that give you something to do besides talk:
Shared activities. Classes, sports, volunteering, a faith community, a book club or a job all give you a built-in reason to be there and something to talk about.
One-on-one time. Many shy people are at their best in a conversation with just one other person. Coffee with one new person is often easier than a group outing.
Friends of friends. As a boy in Jamaica, Jonathan went everywhere with his grandfather, and his grandfather’s friends became his friends too. Letting someone you trust introduce you takes a lot of pressure off.
You do not have to do everything at once. Try one or two of these each week:
Sometimes the friendship you need starts because someone else is brave first. As a teenager, Jonathan saw himself as “a mean young man” who hardly smiled at anyone. Then a new girl in his neighborhood came out to her family’s patio and simply asked if he was interested in getting to know her. He said yes, and that conversation became one of the most important friendships of his life. He writes that she talked to him as if she were his full-time therapist and psychiatrist, and that over time the title “best friends” fit them.
Notice what made that moment work. She did not need a clever opening line. She asked one honest, direct question, and he had a chance to answer. Shy people often think they need something impressive to say. Usually, a simple and sincere question is enough.
When someone reaches toward you, even if it feels awkward, try saying yes. And once you are more comfortable, remember how much it meant, and be that person for someone else who is standing alone.
You do not need a crowd of friends. A few people who truly know you are worth more than a long contact list. Jonathan puts it this way in one of his quotes:
“It’s better to have a few faithful friends than numerous shallow friendships.”
— Jonathan Anthony Burkett, Friends 2 Lovers: The Unthinkable
If one attempt does not turn into a friendship, that is normal. Not every conversation leads somewhere, and that says nothing about your worth. Keep trying with different people, and give each new connection a few chances to grow.
That is good news for shy people. Deep, loyal friendships tend to grow through quiet conversations, kept promises and time, which are exactly the places shy people shine.
Pick one person you already see regularly and ask them one question this week. That is all. Friendships are built one small moment at a time. For more of Jonathan’s thoughts on friendship and love, including his Friends 2 Lovers books, visit the Books page.
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