Watching Other Mothers Hug Their Sons

Some pain does not come from what happens to you. It comes from watching what happens to someone else. For years, one of the hardest things for me was seeing a mother and her son together, smiling, laughing, saying "I love you." My memoir is subtitled "The life of a boy who never knew a mother's love." This is about what it felt like to watch other people have it.

A friend and his mother

When I was a teenager in South Florida, there was a time when I had nowhere to go, and I ended up at a friend's house. His mother sat down with me and insisted that I talk to her.

I told her that every time I saw my friend and his mother smiling and talking so happily together, it made me jealous. He had a mother who loved him. I had a mother who wanted me "either locked up or dead."

If you have ever felt that kind of jealousy, it does not make you a bad person. It means you know exactly what you were missing.

If a child is in immediate danger, call 911. In the U.S., the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is 1-800-422-4453.

The words that came back

A little later, during one of the darkest stretches of my life, I saw a mother and her son walking by, talking happily. Seeing them brought back words my mother had said to me, like "You don't deserve to live" and "No one loves you."

That is what this kind of pain does. A stranger's happy moment can open an old wound without anyone meaning to. If that has happened to you, you are not crazy and you are not alone.

If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, U.S.).

Good night to my Father God

When I was about eighteen, I was sleeping at bus stops and at friends' houses. Whenever I saw a mother kiss her child and say, "I love you," envy would almost overwhelm me. So I would close my eyes and tell my Father God good night.

If you have no one to say good night to, a prayer, a journal or a message to a friend can be a way to end the day with someone instead of alone.

I also had people who mothered me in other ways. My grandmother, Lynn Burkett, raised me in Jamaica with my grandfather, and I wrote that I truly felt they were my mother and father because of the love and care they gave me every day. Later, my godmother, Marise Christophe, a worker at Memorial Hospital, cared for me as if I were her son. I promised myself that someday I would buy her a Mother's Day gift for all her efforts to mother me.

For the hard days: Mother's Day and other moments

If watching other mothers and children hurts you, there are days that are harder than others. Mother's Day. Graduations. Weddings. Even a commercial on TV. Here are a few things that may help:

• Plan ahead. If you know a day will be hard, decide in advance where you will be and who you will be with.
• Honor the people who did mother you. A grandmother, an aunt, a teacher, a neighbor, a godmother. Send them a card. Call them. Their love counts.
• Let yourself feel it. Envy and grief are normal reactions to a loss. You can be happy for someone and still hurt for yourself.
• Step away from social media. You do not have to scroll through a hundred perfect family photos on a day that is already heavy.
• Talk to someone. A counselor, pastor or trusted friend can help you carry this.

Turning the ache into a wish

Here is what surprised me. Over time, that ache did not only make me sad. It showed me what I wanted. After my brain surgery in 2006, I thought about my goals, and the biggest one was this: "I wanted to be ready for a family, because that's what my heart craved the most."

I did not get a mother's love as a boy. But I can make sure the children in my life never have to watch other families with envy. One of my own quotes says it best:

"Instead of treating your child like how you were treated. Treat them with the same love and attention you wanted from your parents while growing up."

— Jonathan Anthony Burkett, Neglected But Undefeated

If you never knew a mother's love, the love you wanted is still real. You can give it. Hug your child. Say "I love you" out loud, in public, where some other kid might see it and know that it is possible.

You can read the whole story of the boy who never knew a mother's love on my Books page.

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