17 Oct
2026
When someone you care about loses a person they love, it is hard to know what to say. Many people say nothing at all because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. But silence can feel like being forgotten. You do not need perfect words. You need to show up, be kind, and let your friend grieve in their own way.
Grief makes people uncomfortable because there is no way to fix it. It also looks different in every person. Some people cry openly, some go quiet, some stay busy, and some even laugh at moments that seem strange from the outside. Children especially may not show grief the way adults expect. We want to say something that will make the pain go away, and nothing will. Once you accept that your job is not to fix the loss but to keep your friend company in it, the pressure eases. Simple, sincere words are almost always better than clever ones.
These phrases are simple, honest and leave room for your friend to respond however they need to:
“Everything happens for a reason.” Even if you believe it, it can sound like the loss was supposed to happen. Let your friend come to their own meaning in their own time.
“I know exactly how you feel.” Every loss is different. You can share that you have lost someone too, but keep the focus on them.
“At least...” Sentences that start this way usually shrink the pain instead of honoring it.
“You need to move on.” Grief has no deadline. Pressure to get over it only makes people hide their feelings.
Anything that assigns blame. Grieving people often already blame themselves. Never add to that.
Jonathan Anthony Burkett lost the person he loved most when he was nine. In November 1996, his grandfather, Arnold Burkett, whom everyone called “Doctor,” died in Jamaica. In his memoir, Neglected But Undefeated (2012), Jonathan describes how long it took him to understand what had happened, and how he blamed himself, believing that if he had not left his grandfather, he would have been all right. During the day he acted normal. At night he cried.
Back at school in Florida, one person made a difference without making speeches. His teacher, Mrs. Vigness, noticed how quiet he had become. She told him everything would be all right and offered to listen “not as a teacher but as a friend.” For the rest of the school year, she had him eat lunch with her in her classroom.
Jonathan never even told her whom he had lost. She stayed anyway. That is the lesson: presence matters more than perfect words, and respecting someone’s need for space is part of caring for them.
In the first days after a loss, people often get plenty of calls, food and visits. A few weeks later, everyone goes back to normal life, and that is when loneliness can hit hardest. Put a reminder in your phone to check in a month from now, and again on birthdays, holidays and the anniversary of the death.
Practical help often means more than words. Offer to mow the lawn, pick up groceries, drive them to an appointment or sit with them while they sort through paperwork. Grief is exhausting, and ordinary tasks can feel impossible for a while.
Keep inviting your friend to things, even if they say no for a while. Say their loved one’s name. Many grieving people long to hear it and fear others have forgotten.
Also watch for signs that grief has become something heavier, such as talk of not wanting to live. If you are worried, take it seriously and help your friend reach support. If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, U.S.).
You will not find words that take away your friend’s pain. You do not have to. Send the text, sit beside them, bring the meal, and keep showing up. That is what they will remember. To read more about Jonathan’s grandfather and the people who helped him through his childhood, visit the Books page.
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