Why Abused Children Protect the Parent Who Hurts Them

Adults who work with children are often confused when an abused child defends the very parent who hurts them. The child denies the bruises, repeats an explanation that makes no sense, or begs not to be taken away. It can look like the child is fine, or even lying for no reason. Jonathan Anthony Burkett’s memoir Neglected But Undefeated shows what is really going on inside.

The night his mother said “I love you”

Jonathan was raised with love by his grandparents in Jamaica until he was six, then brought to South Florida to live with his mother, who neglected and abused him. One time, after he had been away from home for days, he came back to find her waiting at the kitchen table. She apologized for kicking him out. That night she cooked dinner, played cards with him and bought his favorite foods.

And for the first time in his life, she told him she loved him. He had never heard her say it before. He wrote, “It felt so good to be finally bonding with my mother. I went to bed that night with a feeling of satisfaction.”

Then came the request. She coached him on what to tell the school: that he had run away because he wanted to roam the streets like in Jamaica, and that she had never hit him. She promised him anything he wanted in return.

Protecting her at school

At school, the principal and his counselor asked him again and again why he had run away. He gave the answers his mother had given him. He had come to school with a black eye and swelling, and he told people someone else had done it. But a friend told his teacher, Mrs. Vigness, the truth.

Jonathan explained to Mrs. Vigness that he was lying to protect his mother because she was finally telling him she loved him. He added something heartbreaking: if he still lived with his grandparents, her love would not have mattered, because their love for him was unconditional.

Mrs. Vigness cried. She told him he needed to learn not to be manipulated, and she explained to the school that he was lying because he was finally hearing what he had always wanted to hear from his mother. The school contacted family services, and he was checked on every week while a neglect case went forward. Even then, he gave investigators the same answers.

Why children protect the parent who hurts them

Jonathan’s story points to reasons that are common among abused and neglected children:

• The hunger for love. Every child wants a parent’s love. A child who rarely gets it will hold on tightly to any sign of it, even one that comes with conditions.
• Fear. Children may fear worse punishment if they tell, or fear what will happen to them if the parent gets in trouble.
• Loyalty. Many children are taught to keep family business private. Jonathan had also learned in Jamaica that telling the police your personal business could be dangerous.
• Self-blame. Children often believe they caused the abuse. Jonathan’s mother told him her troubles started when he came to America.
• Hope. After a good night, a child may truly believe things have changed, and does not want to ruin it.
• Love for siblings. Later, Jonathan protected his mother partly so his little brothers would not lose her.

None of this means the child is fine. It means the child is surviving the only way they know how.

How adults can respond

If you suspect a child is protecting someone who hurts them, these approaches can help:

1. Stay calm and kind. Shock or anger can make a child shut down.
2. Do not push for a particular answer. Pushing for a confession can increase fear and loyalty to the parent.
3. Avoid attacking the parent. The child may still love that parent. Focus on the child’s safety and feelings.
4. Look beyond words. Injuries, hunger, fear of going home and sudden changes in behavior tell their own story. A child’s denial does not settle the question.
5. Be honest. Do not promise to keep secrets. Explain that you will help find people who can keep them safe.
6. Report and keep showing up. Make the report, then stay present. Mrs. Vigness kept caring for Jonathan long after that conversation.

Getting help

If a child is in immediate danger, call 911. In the U.S., the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is 1-800-422-4453. Childhelp counselors can talk through your concerns and explain how to report. If you are a young person reading this and someone at home is hurting you, you deserve help even if you love them. You can call that number too.

Love should never cost a child their safety

Jonathan’s story is a reminder that a child’s silence is often a sign of how much they want to be loved. Mrs. Vigness saw past his story because she was paying attention, and she did not give up on him. He grew up to write a book about it so other children, and the adults around them, would understand.

To read his full story, visit the books page, and if you know a child who seems to be hiding something, take the time to listen.

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