Heartbroken at Eleven: When I Started to Go Soft

In February 1998 I was eleven years old, and I was crying alone in my room in the dark. I had always laughed at kids at school who cried when they got hurt or were made fun of. Now I could not stop my own tears, and I turned on myself for them. One chapter of my memoir is called “Started To Go Soft Because of a Broken Heart.” This is that season, and what came after it.

A boy telling himself to “man up”

Every time the tears came, I talked to myself. I told myself to man up. I called myself soft, and worse. I told myself I did not deserve to live anymore because I was soft now. I could not control the tears because of all the bad emotions I felt deep down inside.

I had plenty to grieve. My grandfather, the man I called my superman, had died a little over a year earlier. At home I was still being beaten, and my mother had told me she no longer loved me. I hated my life. I felt thankful only for my grandparents and my two little brothers.

I even thought about ending my life. I told myself I was ready to die, “But not yet.” First I wanted to make some money and send it to my grandparents in Jamaica to help keep a roof over their heads. At eleven, that was what I cared about.

If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, U.S.).

What helped me through

I did not get through that season alone. A few things made a real difference:

• Faith. A woman from church took my best friend and me to services on Saturday and Sunday nights. We fasted, prayed and read Bible verses night after night. Through that study I changed my mind about harming myself or anyone else. I wrote, “However, I still had faith in my Father, and I knew that he was watching over me night and day.”
• Writing. I finally found an outlet by writing my problems down. “When I was writing, it felt as if the paper and pencil were my friends.”
• School. I started joking and horsing around again, and the staff were happy to see me happy. “School became my Chuck E. Cheese’s. I was excited when I woke up every morning.”
• My little brothers. At home they were the only highlights of each day. I smiled when my father took pictures of us together.
• Full plates. I ate mostly at school, or at my best friend's house on weekends, where we were fed generously.

The corner and the eraser

Going soft did not mean I stopped being a troublemaker. I loved one of my teachers, but I still teased her, joking that she could make her own version of Beauty and the Beast. She got so mad that she made me stand in the corner with a blackboard eraser on my head and one leg up while the class threw paper balls at me. She laughed at me for the rest of the day.

Soft, or a survivor?

As I got happier, home got harder. My mother grew meaner, kept my brothers away from me and started beating me every day again. She found my diary, ripped it up and told me not to write my problems down. When I hurt my neck wrestling and could not lift my head, I spent about a week in bed, and it was my father who brought me nutrition shakes.

If a child is in immediate danger, call 911. In the U.S., the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is 1-800-422-4453.

Yet something changed inside me through those nights. I wrote, “This is when I truly started to feel like a survivor, like I could handle anything or anyone life could throw at me.” The boy who called himself soft for crying was the same boy who kept getting up every morning.

If you feel “soft” right now

Crying does not make you weak. It means you are feeling something real, and you are human. Many boys and men are taught to hide their tears, but holding everything inside only makes the weight heavier.

Find your outlet. For me it was paper and a pencil. For you it might be music, sports, art or prayer. Find one adult you can be honest with, such as a teacher, a counselor, a coach or a friend's parent. And if someone at home is hurting you, tell them.

You can read the full story of that season in my memoir Neglected But Undefeated on my Books page, and find more of my words on the Quotes page. If someone you love has been holding back tears, let them know today that it is safe to let them out around you.

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