17 Oct
2026
Most of us think we are good listeners. Yet when someone we love starts talking, we are often half-listening: checking a phone, planning our reply or waiting for a chance to share our own story. The other person can feel it, even if they never say so.
Listening well is a skill, and it may be one of the most loving things you can learn. Here is how to get better at it.
Real listening starts before anyone says a word. Put your phone face down or in another room. Turn off the TV. Turn your body toward the person and look at them.
These small actions send a clear message: right now, you matter more than anything else. If you truly cannot give your attention in that moment, say so honestly. “I want to hear this properly. Can we talk in twenty minutes when I can focus?” is far better than nodding while your mind is somewhere else.
Many conversations are really two people taking turns talking. While one speaks, the other is preparing what to say next. When you listen that way, you miss most of what is being said.
Try a different goal. Instead of thinking about your answer, try to understand what the other person is feeling and why. Hold back on jumping in with your own similar story. Even when it is meant to show that you relate, it can shift the spotlight away from them.
Jonathan Anthony Burkett ends his memoir, Neglected But Undefeated (2012), with a message to people who are struggling, and understanding is at the center of it:
“Give more, so that we can build more, put interest in understanding another more in whatever actions one might carry out in life.”
— Jonathan Anthony Burkett, Neglected But Undefeated (2012)
Good listening is not silent and blank. It is active. A few habits help the other person feel heard:
Reflecting does not mean repeating every sentence. It means checking, now and then, that you have understood correctly. If you got it wrong, they will tell you, and that is helpful too.
Pauses can feel awkward, so we rush to fill them. But silence often gives people room to find the words for something hard. If someone stops talking, wait a few seconds longer than feels natural. Often they will go on and share the thing that matters most.
Sometimes the kindest response is no words at all. Sitting beside someone, a hand on their shoulder, can say more than any advice.
If you tend to fill every pause, try counting slowly to five in your head before you speak. It feels long at first. Over time, you will notice how often the most important words come right after a silence.
Being a good listener also means accepting when someone is not ready to talk. Pressing for details can make a person shut down even more.
Jonathan’s memoir includes a simple example. After he learned that his grandfather had died, his best friend tried to cheer him up with video games and playing outside. When Jonathan asked to be left alone, his friend respected it. Sometimes listening means hearing “not now” and honoring it.
You can still let the person know you are there. “I’m around whenever you want to talk” keeps the door open without pushing them through it. Then follow up later.
Pay attention to what is not said, too. A friend who suddenly goes quiet or changes the subject may be carrying more than they are ready to share. Gentle, patient attention over time often matters more than one big conversation.
You do not have to wait for a crisis to practice listening. Try it at dinner, on a car ride or during a phone call. Ask one more question than you normally would. Put your phone away for one whole conversation. Notice how people respond when they feel truly heard.
Who in your life could use your full attention this week? Reach out and give it to them. To read more about the friends who listened to Jonathan when he needed it most, visit the Books page, or find his words on friendship on the Quotes page.
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