My Life-Changing Moment: "I'm Not Ready"

I almost didn't include this story in my memoir. I wrote that it was my closest time with God, my second-closest time with death, and the longest I have ever stayed on my knees praying with tears running down my face. In Neglected But Undefeated I called it my life-changing moment. It started on a bedroom floor, with two words: “I’m not ready!”

When life doesn't get better on schedule

I had always believed that once I turned eighteen, got a job and finally got my seizures under control, my life would get a lot better. Then I lost both of my jobs. It didn't get better.

I was deeply angry. For about two days I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling and stressing myself, with so much going through my head.

Maybe you know that place. You did what you were told would fix things, and it still fell apart. That is when the questions get loud.

The pain in my chest

There had been a pain in my chest the day before. I had just pressed down on it until it went away. This time it came back deeper. I stood up to get a cup of water, and the pain hit so hard that I dropped to the floor. I felt weak and dizzy, and my eyesight went blurry.

Lying there on the carpet, I cried out, “I’m not ready!” and then, “I’m trying, Father! I’m trying!”

Then something in me pushed back. I said it again, “No! I’m not ready!” and started to crawl toward my bed. “I can’t die yet,” I told myself. “I haven’t kept my promise yet.”

A prayer from the side of the bed

I got my head up onto the bed, wiped my eyes and said, “Here I am, but I’m not ready. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to die until I’ve at least achieved one thing in my life.”

I can't remember the words of my prayer. I remember praying hard for a long time about me, about God being in my life, and about wanting to make Him proud. I also prayed about what I wanted most: a family, a good woman in my life, and kids thanking me for being a good father.

I'm guessing it was a minor heart attack, but I never went to a doctor about it. Please don't make that mistake. If you ever have chest pain, call 911 or get to a doctor right away. Don't wait for it to pass the way I did.

My awakening

I call that night my awakening. “That was my awakening. That was the moment that opened my eyes even wider.” It woke me up to how short life is, and that I had to get up and on my feet before it was too late.

That night I kept coming back to my promise. I could not just wait for life to get better. I had to go and make it better.

In the introduction to my book I wrote, “I know that I have made it through trials, so now let me see if I can make it through challenges.” One way to read that: trials are what happen to you, and challenges are what you choose to take on next. Lying on that floor was a trial. Getting up and going after my goals was the challenge.

I also wrote, “Today, I believe that life is an adventure to be enjoyed.” That line sits in the same book as this story. Both are true. You can have a night on the floor and still believe your life is worth enjoying.

One of the poems in my book asks the same kind of questions I was asking on that floor.

Why am I not dead yet
I’ve asked myself
Is it because I’ve decided to fight
And no longer run
Face it and now back down

I feel that I am a miracle
How am I here today?
Why am I here today?
Am I just a target, for the enemy in life?
Or was I made to be an inspiring and encouraging story for the world?

— Jonathan Anthony Burkett, Neglected But Undefeated (2012)

Those questions don't need a perfect answer today. Asking them is how you start to fight instead of run.

If you are on the floor right now

Maybe your floor is not a bedroom carpet. Maybe it is a lost job, a breakup, or a diagnosis. Here is what I'd tell you:

• Say it out loud. “I’m not ready” was not weakness. It was me choosing to fight.
• Remember your promise. Mine was to change, and to achieve at least one thing. What's yours?
• Name what you want. I named a family, a good woman, kids who would thank me. Wanting something gives you something to get up for.
• Get help. See a doctor for your body. Talk to someone for your mind and heart.

If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, U.S.).

I still have, as I wrote, “mountains to climb and a rainbow to follow to find my pot of gold.” So do you. Get up, even if you have to crawl first.

You can read the full story in my memoir on my Books page.

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