17 Oct
2026
Most marriages do not grow cold because of one big fight. They cool slowly, through busy mornings, tired evenings and years of forgetting to reach for each other. Affection is one of the simplest ways to keep a marriage warm, and one of the easiest things to lose without noticing.
A hug at the door, a kiss before work, a hand on the shoulder while your partner cooks: these small gestures carry big messages. They say, "I see you. I am glad you are here. We are on the same side."
Affection is not only physical. Kind words, a thank-you text, laughing at an inside joke and remembering what worries your partner all belong in the same family. Each one is a small deposit in the trust and closeness you share. When hard seasons come, and they do, couples who have kept making those deposits have more to draw on.
Sometimes people learn what they want in love by seeing its absence. Jonathan Anthony Burkett writes in his memoir, Neglected But Undefeated, that as a teenager he never saw the adults in his home show each other affection. Rather than accept that as normal, he made a decision about his own future:
"I made up my mind that I would be more affectionate with my wife because I already loved kissing."
— Jonathan Anthony Burkett, Neglected But Undefeated
It is a simple sentence, but it carries an important truth. You do not have to repeat the patterns you grew up around. If warmth was missing in your childhood home, you can choose to build it into your own.
Affection grows when it becomes a habit rather than a special occasion. Here are a few to try:
People do not all give or receive affection the same way. One partner may love hugs and kisses, while the other feels most loved when the dishes are done or when they hear kind words. Neither is wrong. Problems start when each person keeps giving love in their own style and wonders why the other does not feel it.
Talk about it openly and without blame. Ask, "What makes you feel most loved by me?" Then listen. Share your own answer too. Comfort levels with touch also vary, so respect your partner's boundaries and never pressure them. Affection should always feel welcome, not demanded.
If one of you grew up in a home without much warmth, showing affection may feel awkward at first. That is okay. Start small, be patient with each other and celebrate progress.
If affection has slipped away over time, you can bring it back. Begin with one honest conversation: "I miss being close to you. Can we work on that together?" Choose one or two habits from the list and try them for a few weeks. Small, consistent steps often rebuild closeness faster than a single grand gesture.
Sometimes distance runs deeper, tied to resentment, stress or old wounds. A licensed marriage and family therapist or a trusted counselor can help couples talk safely and find their way back to each other. Asking for help is a sign that you care about the marriage, not that it has failed.
Warmth matters most when life is heavy. New babies, money stress, long work hours, illness and grief all drain energy, and affection is often the first thing to go. Yet those are the seasons when a hug, a quiet "I'm here" or a hand held in a waiting room can mean the most. You do not need extra time or money to offer them. You only need to remember that your partner is not your opponent in the hard season. You are facing it together.
As Jonathan puts it in another of his quotes:
"Faith doesn’t get you around problems in life and relationships; it gets you through them."
— Jonathan Anthony Burkett, Neglected But Undefeated
Tonight, do one small thing on purpose: a longer hug, a kind word, a hand to hold. Then do it again tomorrow. That is how warmth stays alive. For more of Jonathan's thoughts on love, friendship and lasting relationships, visit the Books page or browse his quotes.
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